Thursday, 9 February 2012


Adam is running late for his date and he’s slightly on edge because he can’t remember the rubbish excuse he gave his girlfriend when he woke up late this morning. He’s wondering if she could tell he’d only just woken up or if his lively performance of shouting very loudly and running in and out of his front door had convinced her that he was at Clapham junction train station rather than running in and out of his rooftop flat in Brighton.

Now he’s thinking about sex. Adam hasn’t sex in ages and his constant masturbating was getting out of hand, he often wondered if too much masturbation would cause some serious long-term damage. He knew he’d over done it and being two hours late for his date had seriously dampened his chances of getting any action tonight.

Adams train has just broken down, his two hours late has just turned into four hours late but he doesn’t know it, he’s stuck on a platform listening to a fat Scottish sailors confession of how he’d walked off his boat early this morning because he’d been offered a better deal with another ship company. Apparently the Scotsman didn’t like the boat he was on due to the fact that it only ever sailed in rough seas and he was the only engineer on the entire ship, whereas his new ship was headed for the Caribbean and was big enough for five engineers as well as paying better money.

The Scotsman really wouldn’t stop talking once he’d started and Adam was now worried that they’d been talking too long and he may feel inclined to sit beside the Scotsman on the next train due to the fact that it was Adam who’d accidentally started the conversation in the first place and now it would just be rude not to see it through to the end. Adam couldn’t bare the thought of having to listen to this for another hour, he’d noticed the fat Scotsman had one dilated eye and twinned with his short crop mullet he was starting to bare an uncanny resemblance to a fat Scottish David Bowie upon realising this Adam laughed and the laugh made the fat Bowie stare almost menacingly.

At this moment Adam looked up and finally noticed that his being two hours late had turned into being four hours late. Almost immediately his girlfriend phoned, she was hysterically crying when she heard the news of his train breaking down, Adam tried to console her but it was too late his chances of having sex tonight were literally walking on a tight rope and the interference on the phone line meant he couldn’t quite hear what his girlfriend was saying to him. He told her that everything was O.K and that he would be there as soon as he can. She said
             “-----oo ----lly -----cked –t -----p ------oo -----ing ------ twat.”
Then she hung up. I believe it is safe to say that the tight rope walker has fallen off snapped his neck and seriously damaged a few major organs, it was going to take some incredibly drastic measures if there was any chance of Adam getting his end away tonight.

It crossed Adam’s mind that maybe there would be a chance to buy a reasonably large bunch of flowers on the way as he sat down on the three and a half hour train to Axminster, then he promptly realised that it was never going to happen and resolved himself to the fact that he would never have sex again and he might as well just stick to having sex with himself. Adam looked down at his Marks and Spencer’s profiterole dessert he’d been saving it all day and was now thinking that these little chocolate covered cream filled pastries might just save him from a lifetime of Kleenex, but it would never work she was too classy to be seduced by the false delights of a Marks and Spencer’s profiterole dessert, though they taste delicious they’re packed full of E-numbers and there’s no real cocoa in that chocolate sauce.

Finally after hours of worrying boredom the train pulled up into Axminster station and Adam quickly climbed into the nearest taxi. He asked the taxi driver if he knew of any florists that were open on the way. The driver said there wasn’t any but there are some lovely flowers growing up on the side of the motorway. Adam didn’t know reply, he couldn’t tell if the driver was serious joking or just taking the piss. Either way Adam wasn’t about to go picking flowers off of a dangerously busy motorway and didn’t really have the time even if he wanted to. Besides the last time he picked his girlfriend flowers she completely lost it and started ranting on at him about how it was people like him who were destroying the countryside and if everyone went around picking flowers there would be none left and florists would have to start selling bunches of grass and stinging nettles.

Adam sighed to himself at the realisation that the Marks and Spencer’s profiterole dessert was really all he had left. He looked in his bag to see if they were still looking good, by now they’d been travelling for almost five hours an really didn’t look half as good as they did when Adam first bought them. Slightly crushed and losing they’re cream centre fast. Adam sighed again this time a little harder he had more chance of getting it on with the odour ridden taxi driver at this rate and he’d probably take anything given his previously proven pulling skills. He’s probably never even had sex Adam thought lucky bastard doesn’t even know what he’s missing.

When Adam finally arrived to meet his girlfriend he gave the taxi driver twelve pounds and fifty pence, this included a two pounds and fifty pence tip. Adam had no idea why he gave the driver this abnormally large tip he usually tipped a pound tops and on this occasion was afraid that the drivers own personal body odour had been passed onto him combined with the fact that although Adam was sure the driver had taken all the right directions he had still left him in the middle of nowhere in the rain. This made Adam think that even ten pounds was a bit steep so why did he bother giving him an extra two pounds fifty. But by now the taxi had driven off and Adam was left lost in the middle of nowhere in the rain.

After a brief moment of fumbling around aimlessly and a slightly longer period of panic Adam caught site of his girlfriend sitting on a broken down park bench in the middle of no where in the rain if we re-cap we can roughly estimate that she has been sat there for around four and a half hours give or take about five to ten minutes. Adams very life is now hanging by a thread .not only was his relationship out of the window but his chances of survival are slim, even walking away from this with all his appendages in tacked would seem like a bonus.

As I see it Adam only has three chances. The first is that the wind and rain have battered his girlfriend into absolute submission and she just doesn’t have the energy to rip his legs off. The second is that she’s feeling unusually kind and generous and is just happy that Adam got there safe and sound and all in one piece especially after all the troubles he’s been through. Sadly being four and a half hours late makes this highly improbable considering the whole journey takes five hours and if she didn’t believe the rubbish excuse he gave her this morning this chance was pretty much nonexistent especially seeming as he can’t remember the stupid excuse anyway so trying to talk his way out of it was just not happening. Adams third chance of survival would have to include some kind of alien intervention, act of god or a devastatingly almost fatal natural disaster that would completely take the focus off Adam’s lateness
And they would both be happy with just being alive. This was an incredibly long shot that was obviously never going to happen but still Adam was keeping his fingers crossed on this one because how he saw it this had the best outcome of all three.

On a personal note I’d just like to say
“Good luck Adam.”
Even though I have the pen I really can’t see you getting out of this one.

Adam started running towards his girlfriend he thought that this frantic running would be a good symbol of his epic struggle to get there on time but when he got there he realised it didn’t really matter, she wasn’t watching anyway. It was at this point that Adam noticed his first chance had come into play; she was so battered by the elements of a rainy day in Dorset she only had the energy to just sit there and cry. Though relieved at the fact he would come out of this alive, Adam now felt worse than ever before and this feeling was only made worse as he learnt of his girlfriends ordeal, of how the lady who ran the bed and breakfast he had booked for them turned out to be such a complete nutter that she couldn’t stay there and had chosen to brave the wind and rain instead and how when the weather got unbearable she was forced to take shelter in a nearby cave. Adam swiftly realised that there was absolutely nothing he could say or do to make his girlfriend feel better. His brain froze with the sorrow he felt for her and he couldn’t think of anything remotely comforting to say. So after an hour of repeatedly saying sorry and come on it’s all right now she stopped crying and Adam stupidly suggested they went to the local pub. This started her crying again and it took another half an hour to stop this outburst. Luckily once she had stopped crying she thought the pub was a good idea as she was quite hungry and a pub lunch with a bottle of wine was looking evermore inviting, plus she really didn’t want to go back to the nutter who ran the bed and breakfast but had had quite enough of sitting in the rain for one day.

There was only one pub in this tiny seaside town and as I see it there are usually only two types of pub you find in these sleepy little country towns. One type is a pleasant little waterhole filled with retired alcoholics and rich middle class stable owners who’ve practically been retired since they were born, both of which are very welcoming and quite capable of polite non-threatening conversation. The other type is filled with hard working farmers and builders who struggle to keep they’re country homes and can’t really afford to be in the pub in the first place and therefore continuously complain about the price of beer and never give warm welcomes to newcomers despite the fact that it is usually these holiday making newcomers who keep the pub running in the first place.

Unfortunately for Adam and his girlfriend this pub was the latter but this didn’t deter Adam, compared with the rough pubs of Bracknell that he grew up with this dirty little hellhole seemed really quite pleasant. Adams girlfriend however was slightly put off by the menacing stares as she went to find them a nice table. Not that it matters but you may or may not find it interesting to know that Adam had steak and chips and his girlfriend had a smoked haddock fillet also served with chips and both were served with a small side salad garnish this was washed down with a bottle of merlot which Adam exclaimed he thought was rather woody with hints of raspberry and possibly plum and cherry, not that he knows anything about wine.

After the pub Adam’s girlfriend decided she wanted some stamps to send her friends some postcards as everyone does when visiting these tiny seaside towns and luckily for Adam the only shop in this town was still open and sold everything from beer to butchers equipment. It was here that Adam saw a chance to retrieve something from his otherwise disastrous date. Whilst his girlfriend was busy buying stamps he slyly bought another bottle of merlot and some plastic picnic wine glasses and before she noticed he quickly snuck them into his bag being careful not to crush the Marks and Spencer’s profiterole dessert anymore than necessary, this tiny dessert had already taken a huge beating but still bore a slight resemblance to something edible. Now for the first time all day Adam actually had a feasible working plan all be it a crap one.

As they exited the unusually well stocked shop Adam’s girlfriend broke the news to him that it was now time for him to meet the nutter who ran the bed and breakfast Adam wasn’t looking forward to this one bit. Meeting nutters on the street or in pubs is one thing but staying the night in a nutters house is a different kettle of fish altogether, still this is the one Adam booked, the nutters made his bed and now he’s going to have to sleep in it.

Upon arrival at the nutters house a loud shrill out of tune singing voice was emanating from inside, though I’m sure the nutter thought it was quaint and appealing in a homely welcoming sort of way. Adam found it to be very unnerving and his walking pace slowed down considerably as they got closer to the front door. His girlfriend having previously obtained the key opened the front door and immediately the shrill mistuned singing rose to excruciating levels and then suddenly changed to an incredibly loud screeching
“Hello is he here now?”
Then she appeared stating of how she knew of Adams trouble with the trains and then immediately asked what time he would like breakfast. Adam said around ten which she took an immediate dislike to and suggested eight thirty, Adam desperately wanting to get out of this conversation agreed politely knowing full well that he rarely got up before eleven and hadn’t eaten breakfast for about fourteen years. The nutter offered her locally famous full English breakfast which Adam said would be fine and made a move for the staircase explaining how his bag, though small was very heavy and would like to put it in his room. The screeching started again this time asking if Adam or his girlfriend would like a glass of water. Adam politely replied
 “Yes please.”
And the nutter told him she would bring some up to the room. Then the dreaded singing started again as she walked towards the kitchen. Adam darted up the stairs and put his bag in a strange perfectly square room where his girlfriend now was. But no sooner had he put his bag down when the singing started following up the stairs, and soon enough the nutter entered holding a very ornate tray carrying two straight glasses and a jug of water with a rather quaint lace doily covering the top. Adam took the tray from her hands nervously and went back into the room where his girlfriend had just left for the en suite. He took his chance and quickly poured two glasses of wine and gently placed the Marks and Spencer’s profiterole upon her pillow and lay next to it looking very casual indeed. Shortly after his girlfriend appeared from the en suite looking increasingly unimpressed with Adams efforts and proceeded to moan at him about how this really wasn’t going to make up for him being four and a half hours late and how could he think it would in the first place. Adam tried to explain that he wasn’t trying to make up for his lateness merely trying to make the best of a bad situation. It was helpless. Nothing seemed to take the scowl off of her face. Adam gave up arguing with and decided to use the en suit himself.

It was here in this small oddly shaped magnolia room that Adam finally gave up on ever partaking in sexual activity ever again. It was here that he also gave up on ever redeeming his relationship with his girlfriend and has he saw it having a happy weekend away in Dorset was also lost in a never ending pit of despair. It was also in this tiny magnolia room that Adam saw what was quite possibly the smallest sink basin in the world, which momentarily distracted him from his previous moment of utter depression. After noticing this fantastic candidate for the worlds smallest sink Adam took a deep breath and prepared to face the music. He unlocked the tiny bolt and opened the tiny door.

Only to find his girlfriend lying on the bed reading her newspaper and drinking her wine as she often did, but never in just her bra and knickers. He picked up his glass of wine, took a sip and sheepishly looked up at his girlfriend who was smiling at him (believe it or not) in a sort of coy way as though she was planning some ghastly vengeful deed. Then it hit Adam. Like a beam of light piercing through his otherwise dark, dismal life. He’d done it, he’d only gone and bloody done it, through some miracle of the modern world God had smiled down on him in one glorious moment of unbelievably quick forgiveness she wanted it. Against all odds and through the trials and tribulations of what had possibly been the hardest most challenging day of his drearily boring life Adam had pulled through it. With outstanding grace and poise he leaped onto the bed hardly able to control himself due to his excitement. Oh yes there was to be no Kleenex tonight, tonight it was the real thing. Actual sex Adam couldn’t believe it. Actual proper sex he thought, actual sex and quite frankly I can’t believe it either. I always thought he was a bit of a loser.  

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